I was bemused to read the news of Anthony Hopkins not accepting his Leading Actor Gong because he was preoccupied with painting whilst the announcement of the winners were broadcast. I can relate to the all-encompassing vibe that overtakes whilst in the process of creating. You would imagine that winning a BAFTA could be seen as a pinnacle of Sir Hopkin’s acting career yet this was forgotten whilst he was immersed in the act of painting. The meditative absorption of creating is real. Painting or creating any artwork is an emotional experience and it is intensely personal. There are times when I am so lost in the process that it is as if the painting appears by itself, but there are other times when I am unable to focus and then the paintbrush just doesn’t perform. The exhilaration when a painting is done and the absolute desolation when a painting fails is the constant fluctuations I experience. I guess it is the passion that drives within us to create, to leave a mark on the world. But yesterday, when a painting I was working on failed, the depression and frustration was overwhelming. It is irrational because it is not necessary to achieve perfection every time, or even completion. As my husband counselled; Mistakes happen, we move on, but at the time, all I see is a wasted canvas or paints and the emotions bubble under the surface like a river compromised by a dam.

I remember watching an interview from several years ago when Tracy Emin pondered on her decision not to have children, she said that her priorities would have been either the art she wanted to create or the children she raised but it couldn’t be both. As a mother of three, I have had this conflict. It doesn’t really make a difference to the need to paint but it helps that I am not a recognised artist, simply an artist that sells commercially but the frustration at hearing the washing machine beeping or the children calling for attention whilst I’m blending or detailing can be felt quite intensely. Luckily my distractions are so frequent that this emotion can be quickly diffused but nonetheless, I admit there are many times when I wonder what could I achieve if I had unlimited time to focus entirely on painting?

Then of course…you wonder what makes a successful artist…but that is a question I shall leave for now. In the meantime I am happy just to imagine!